@squirrel74wkgn

There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.

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@StinkyGr33n

All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:

Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”

@SardonicTart

*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”

*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”

@SentenceReduced

Walking into a giant spiderweb is natures way of telling you to never leave the house.

@DanaSchwartzzz

I really hope the Tesla board doesn’t force out Elon Musk because that it 100% how we get a Green Goblin scenario

@markydoodoo

[Shark Tank]

INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?

ME: Yep

INVESTOR: And you call it the-

ME: The Bracho, yes

@knotaprettygirl

Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.

@DaddyJew

That awkward moment when you blow into a bowl to get the dust off of it and the bowl blows back

@duplicitron

Tug on my ponytail if you want to know what karate feels like.