Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
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All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
“Omg I love it”
*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
Walking into a giant spiderweb is natures way of telling you to never leave the house.
I really hope the Tesla board doesn’t force out Elon Musk because that it 100% how we get a Green Goblin scenario
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.
That awkward moment when you blow into a bowl to get the dust off of it and the bowl blows back
Tug on my ponytail if you want to know what karate feels like.