@Ixwie: There's really nothing worse than being forced to watch a video on someone else's phone and having to pretend to laugh for 3 minutes.
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@theshamingofjay: My son just said he doesn't like cheese and now I have to interview all the mailmen in my neighborhood
@jessokfine: What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
@LeBearGirdle: *trying to ask a girl on a date* Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime? Her: was- was that a mop?