Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.
There’s really nothing worse than being forced to watch a video on someone else’s phone and having to pretend to laugh for 3 minutes.
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Text from husband: Where are you at?
Me: Before I tell you let’s talk about ending sentences with prepositions.
[at a spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is SPELL.
Witch: *mumbles something under her breath*
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!
Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.
Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”
Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*
Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.