There’s really nothing worse than being forced to watch a video on someone else’s phone and having to pretend to laugh for 3 minutes.

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Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.


Text from husband: Where are you at?

Me: Before I tell you let’s talk about ending sentences with prepositions.


[at a spelling bee]

Judge: Your word is SPELL.

Witch: *mumbles something under her breath*

Judge: Ribbit


Me: What do you want for breakfast?


Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?


I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.

Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :


Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”

Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*


Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.


I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.


Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.