Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
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There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*
Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!
HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall
Me: that was unclear
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
Why am I like this?
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass
If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.
[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.
“We want to take our engagement photos here at the library.”
“That’s fun. Are there parts of the library that are especially meaningful to you?”
“Not really, we never use the library.”
“Then why take your pictures here?”
“We want people to think we’re people who use the library.”
Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist