@JohnLyonTweets

There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.

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@Hormonella

Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…

Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.

@bobvulfov

WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly

@sonictyrant

“Now that i’ve completed my teleportation device, the world and its wonders are mine to behold”

*Teleports to the nearest taco bell*

@Just__J0

Table for one, please.

Ma’am, your family is right behind you.

@UnFitz

“Blahhh! This vodka tastes like petrol! Heyyy, wait a minute…”

– Molotov, maybe

@Browtweaten

Wife: Are you doing what I asked?

Me: Of course I am *vacuum noises*

Wife: Did you just text “vacuum noises”?

Me: *dialtone noises*

@WhatsAGreenhorn

We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”