Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.
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WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly
“Now that i’ve completed my teleportation device, the world and its wonders are mine to behold”
*Teleports to the nearest taco bell*
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
Very little scares me. So does very big.
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
“Blahhh! This vodka tastes like petrol! Heyyy, wait a minute…”
– Molotov, maybe
Wife: Are you doing what I asked?
Me: Of course I am *vacuum noises*
Wife: Did you just text “vacuum noises”?
Me: *dialtone noises*
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”