There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.
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Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭
Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “
A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
The police never think its as funny as you do.
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
[Later]
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree