There’s something about Dracula I just don’t trust
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College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.
Me at my 225th rodeo:
“What the hell is going on?”
me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
Riddler: Oh?
B: Notice anything different about me?
R:
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*
My 7yo was pretending to be a bunny, and my 8yo was trying her best to train her with carrots. In the middle of their play, my 8yo came up to me with a big smile, “thank you for giving me a bunny to play with.”
Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?
Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.
Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.
Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!
1st Born: If you hold him support his head.
2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.
3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell
Me: You said everything in here was edible
Willy Wonka: Yes, but-
Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut
[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
Jeez…it’s like the people in this nursing home have never heard techno before.
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?
[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.