No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
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GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.
I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath**heads toward buffet*
“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
my kids are suddenly asking why the leprechaun didn’t bring them anything or cause any chaos in our house and apparently me yelling “we aren’t Irish!!” isn’t a good enough explanation?
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!
9: But I didn’t
Me: Not now but it could have hit him
9: But it didn’t
Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt
9: But he didn’t
Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city