There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
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wut hotdog?
Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
this could fix me
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?
Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]
Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur
my son’s smart watch kept calling its emergency contact, me, and when I answered it sounded like a trunk on a highway so I called his dad who said he’s right here, and I heard him ask my son where his watch was, “in my pants pocket” and his dad yelled “the pants in the washer?!”
“OK men, spread out.”
“Oat?”
“What?”
“Spread oats?”
“Spread out.”
“One oat?”
“Dammit.”
Why US/Canada joint military exercises don’t work.
What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?
If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda
[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming