There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
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i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!
Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.
Both: Never again.
Repeat.
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
[at a store]
Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?
*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*
Clerk: Well, they’re polarized
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.
Me: Don’t question my art.
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.
Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.
guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”