There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
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i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
☺️
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
fireman: where is fire
me: in my heart, i love y-
fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you
Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.
Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.
Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.
I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
[Flat-earth expedition log]
Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
If anyone were to look at my bathroom they’d be positive some kind of a struggle took place.
But nope, it was just me getting ready.
🏙👨🏼
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.