If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
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Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
H
E R: Y
e S
! ! ! !
I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out
Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences
Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks
Judge: divorce granted
[harry potter at work]
Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?
Harry: a basilisk, yes
Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.
After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.
Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
marvel comics have peaked
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”