@semple42

There’s this woman in my office who is wearing the same outfit as yesterday and she reeks of tequi……ok it’s me.

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@LVMelL0

I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.

@Pork_Chop_Hair

Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*

My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!

@mommajessiec

Kid: Where do babies come from?

Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.

Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?

Me: So when a man and a woman…

@Olivianuzzi

Advice from a gas station attendant in Tennessee to avoid Coronavirus: “take a shot of Wild Turkey 101 before bed. It kills everything.”

@KalvinMacleod

Their palms are sweaters, knees sweatery, arms are sweaters. There’s more sweater on their sweater already.

@blondebombs

They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness

@jiggynye

My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.

@hazelmotes1

Giving your kid a recorder and telling him to go home and practice is how teachers get revenge on society for paying them so poorly.

@skedaddle74

If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.

@ddsmidt

I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.

Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.