There’s this woman in my office who is wearing the same outfit as yesterday and she reeks of tequi……ok it’s me.

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I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.


Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*

My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!


Kid: Where do babies come from?

Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.

Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?

Me: So when a man and a woman…


Advice from a gas station attendant in Tennessee to avoid Coronavirus: “take a shot of Wild Turkey 101 before bed. It kills everything.”


Their palms are sweaters, knees sweatery, arms are sweaters. There’s more sweater on their sweater already.


They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness


My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.


Giving your kid a recorder and telling him to go home and practice is how teachers get revenge on society for paying them so poorly.


If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.


I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.

Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.