Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
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At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours
2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money
Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.
I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
One of the best
Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!
Doctor: How big were its horns?
T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*
Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.
why I oughta