there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
You Might Also Like
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
me:
Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
The game has officially changed 😎
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
*orders expensive cat bed*
*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*
*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*
*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?
Me: When she comes
Him: I know but when
Me: When she comes dude
Him: That’s not a time
Me: I’m going off of the information I have
Him: Do you know the horses she has?
Me: Yes six white horses
Him: See how do you know that
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will