#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
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boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
That’s easy for you to say
if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
These aliens are taking forever.
6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
Me: I have an imaginary gf.
Therapist: U can do better than that.
M: I know, it’s just–
T: I was talking to her.
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait