@_Shizzle

Thesaurus was the first dinosaur to get murdered. No one likes a know it all.

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@jonny_is_good

Im the victim of an office bathroom power move. My guy used both air dryers to dry his hands while I just stood there like a wet handed fool

@johnbcrist

I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.

@novicefather

Pro tip: If a woman asks you how she looks, the correct answer is not “like Dan Aykroyd.”

@TheToddWilliams

[first date]

HER: I totally love Nirvana

ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums

HER: Nevermind

ME Okay, forget about it then

@CircIeKay

Please stop selling drugs behind the store. Out front will attract more customers.

@WheelTod

That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material

@theguydf

Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?

@david8hughes

[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”

@letsgetgizzy

Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”

@squirrel74wkgn

“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”

*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*