Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
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Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”
I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything
Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.
Her: So you wrote Amazing Grace about your ex?
Me: Yes
Her: And now you’ve written one about me! I’m so excit-
Choir master: Now we sing Adequate Rachel
Her: what
can I use a minion as a tampon
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
[Attorney’s office]
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?
♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”
2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke
The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.
WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Sometimes when I see a baby wriggling in a highchair, I like to pretend I’m a Bond villain.
“You’ll find escape is quite impossible, Mr. Baby.”
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?
May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this