Thesaurus was the first dinosaur to get murdered. No one likes a know it all.

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Im the victim of an office bathroom power move. My guy used both air dryers to dry his hands while I just stood there like a wet handed fool


I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.


Pro tip: If a woman asks you how she looks, the correct answer is not “like Dan Aykroyd.”


[first date]

HER: I totally love Nirvana

ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums

HER: Nevermind

ME Okay, forget about it then


Please stop selling drugs behind the store. Out front will attract more customers.


That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material


Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?


[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”


Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”



*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*