Im the victim of an office bathroom power move. My guy used both air dryers to dry his hands while I just stood there like a wet handed fool
Thesaurus was the first dinosaur to get murdered. No one likes a know it all.
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I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
Pro tip: If a woman asks you how she looks, the correct answer is not “like Dan Aykroyd.”
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
ME Okay, forget about it then
Please stop selling drugs behind the store. Out front will attract more customers.
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?
[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”
*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*