@gitson_shiggles

These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”

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@copymama

Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.

@themicheniche

If the helicopter pilot asks you if you like roller coasters, maybe think about why he’d ask that before you gleefully exclaim yes. I know this now

@joeljeffrey

Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.

@ChrisRRegan

Oh, elderly neighbor: You defeated Hitler, yet you somehow can’t figure out the car alarm?

@KalvinMacleod

911 what’s the emergency

“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”

Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*

@SamuelHLowe

Aliens must know that we’re an easily conquerable race if they’ve ever seen us try to cancel a printer job.

@osoplain

My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night

@dreadnaught69

I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”