These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”
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Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like I want to stab someone.
Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.
Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”
Things that keep me up at night #6874
The time my mother decided to be a wing woman (wing aunt?) for my cousin at my uncle’s funeral…
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
BOSS: this is our mortician, david
ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite
DAVID:
ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?
DAVID:
ME: ᵒᶠ ᶜᵒʳᵖˢᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
Women,
If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.
Sincerely,
Men
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.