These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”

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Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.


If the helicopter pilot asks you if you like roller coasters, maybe think about why he’d ask that before you gleefully exclaim yes. I know this now


Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.


Oh, elderly neighbor: You defeated Hitler, yet you somehow can’t figure out the car alarm?


911 what’s the emergency

“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”

Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*


Aliens must know that we’re an easily conquerable race if they’ve ever seen us try to cancel a printer job.


My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night


I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”