@Jmboyd58

These aren’t even hard anymore.

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@unrealRichardC

Beep beep
Beep beep beep
Beep beep
Beep
Beep beep beep beep
Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation

@Nurse_K_

Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.

@Swishergirl24

Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: I’m just as confused as you are.

@JohnLyonTweets

Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.

Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.

Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.

@alyssalimp

The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17

@C00LpenNAME

1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…

2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?

@Girl_Censored

I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.

@karanbirtinna

Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.

@mydanimarie

Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.