When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
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When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
ME: *walking through the park, minding my own business, carrying a small baggie full of poop*
YOU: Where’s your dog?
ME: Why do people keep asking me that?!
“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”
[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No
Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.
Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.
She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…
Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
New menu item
Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?