These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
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You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.
I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.
Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters
My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.
Date: Do you go camping?
Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?
At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.
Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).
Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
worst…sale…ever
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see
I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…
Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.