My Twitter password is stronger than my bank password in case you wonder where my priorities lie.
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
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Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.
I hate being that creepy guy outside your window, but damn girl it’s 7:30 already. You’re gonna be late for work.
I ate everything, including the H.
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.
I’m going to open a restaurant and call it I Don’t Care. So us men can finally take u women to the place u want to go to when we ask
[boss hands me some work]
ME: Oh no thank you
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.