These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
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I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?
I wish I could do that for my life in general.
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”
My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here
Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏
Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
ME: Dave’s coming over for tea
WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?
DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.
we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone
Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.