These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.

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Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.


Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?

Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.


Procrastination is a dish best served eventually.


The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.


I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either


1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hours

Congratulations! How was Disneyworld?


Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.


Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA


My 17yo pretends he doesn’t understand how the washer works when I ask him to do the laundry

Congrats, you’re finally a man