These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
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The Olympians stories are amazing! The Ukrainian whose family was killed, the Korean who escaped slavery, the American who never had wifi.
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
I caught my son wiping his boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
When my kids were younger, I would dream about all of the awesome things they would do when they grew up.
Now I just hope one day they learn to how to pee in the toilet, close a cupboard and rinse a dish before putting it in the sink.
Somebody left a baby at my front door today, and I have no idea what to do with it. I just hope it’s gone by tomorrow.
I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.
Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.
This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up