These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
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[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”
Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”
OH COME ON
One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday
me refusing to leave twitter
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
Me: Do you need a sample?
Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat
Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”
I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!
“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔
A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don’t know how to clap. He’s been trying to teach me ever since. I’m hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.