Coworker: My husband’s an angel.
Me: You’re lucky.. mine’s still alive.
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This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
I’ve upped my game so now instead of buying women at the bar drinks I buy them a pony
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.