@welegi_
@duplicitron
I accidentally grabbed the wrong shopping cart but am hoping this kid will stop screaming soon because I am not raising a cry baby.
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@duplicitron
@Trudacious
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
@inthefade
what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
@WoodyLuvsCoffee
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
@MelaynaLokosky
Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
@TuSoonShakur
John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?
Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.
@ThugRaccoons
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
@MUMSIEesq
My mom said I gained weight so I told her I was pregnant. Now I’ve got like 8 months to prepare to raise a fake baby.
@HelenMaryMe
If you’re found snoozing at your desk, just say “Oh they told me at the blood bank that this might happen!”
@AndrewChamings
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony