Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@Wussawilla

Coworker: My husband’s an angel.
Me: You’re lucky.. mine’s still alive.

@SJSchauer

This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.

@Marcmywords2

“You think I’m smart, right?”

Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.

Annnd that’s how the fight started.

@TheSharona06

At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item

Cashier: Are these good?

Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering

@LuvPug

But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.

@DropDeadJud

Them: You’re hot.

Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?

@SortaBad

I’ve upped my game so now instead of buying women at the bar drinks I buy them a pony

@wolfpupy

no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden

@funnweaver

My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.