Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@IamEnidColeslaw

That awkward moment when I tried starting a slow clap in the hospital after my uncle died.

@UncleDuke1969

Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.

@moooooog35

[1st day in Senate]

Me: I’m against genetic engineering

Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs

Me: How much funding do you need

@Darlainky

Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-

Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*

@T_Bonezzz_

[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]

**SIGN IN WITH FACEBOOK**

@Darlainky

Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…

Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?

Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.

@stevemarriott

[invention of Moist Towelette]

So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say

@meganamram

My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁

@Sarcasticsapien

Sure, we can be friends. I get to be Chandler.

@mattgallo123

If you drop your phone but pick it up within five seconds, you can still eat it.