these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me

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That awkward moment when I tried starting a slow clap in the hospital after my uncle died.


[1st day in Senate]

Me: I’m against genetic engineering

Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs

Me: How much funding do you need


Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-

Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*


[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]



Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…

Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?

Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.


[invention of Moist Towelette]

So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say


If you drop your phone but pick it up within five seconds, you can still eat it.