That awkward moment when I tried starting a slow clap in the hospital after my uncle died.
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Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering
Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs
Me: How much funding do you need
Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-
Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
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Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.
[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
Sure, we can be friends. I get to be Chandler.
If you drop your phone but pick it up within five seconds, you can still eat it.