@welegi_

these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]

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@IamEnidColeslaw

That awkward moment when I tried starting a slow clap in the hospital after my uncle died.

@moooooog35

[1st day in Senate]

Me: I’m against genetic engineering

Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs

Me: How much funding do you need

@Darlainky

Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-

Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*

@T_Bonezzz_

[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]

**SIGN IN WITH FACEBOOK**

@Darlainky

Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…

Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?

Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.

@stevemarriott

[invention of Moist Towelette]

So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say

@mattgallo123

If you drop your phone but pick it up within five seconds, you can still eat it.