These fireworks are awesome! High four!
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Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are
[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
5yo: knock knock
Me:
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
Me:
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.
I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
Catercrombie & Fish
spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
Cop: Hey U!
U: who, me?
Cop: no the other 1!
1: who, me?
Cop: both of U!
W: who, us?
Cop: Yes you!
U: Who, me?
Cop: No!
No: yes?
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..