These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.
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[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
the clam before the storm
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
The smoothest fall of all time
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math
Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached
[dinner, my place]
“This tastes like pork?”
ME: You asked for a nice swine
“No, a nice wine”
ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?
Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.