@Dexxe

These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.

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@robfee

Paper towel ads always show kids making huge messes then mom smiles & cleans it up. My mom would’ve handed me a mop then beat me with a belt

@SteveKoehler22

Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.

He also gets 25% off his next rescue.

@DiamondGirl127

“Iowa man arrested after fight over peanut butter and jelly sandwiches” – I’m just gonna assume this is 1 of you guys

@BoogTweets

If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic

@samdunsiger

Date: I’m a vegan.

Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.

@weinerdog4life

If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.