“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave

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Bad guys gotta have a meeting and decide once and for all Liam Neeson’s family is off limits.


My dog would like you to know that there are many many good sticks out there


[at interview]

Her: In three words or less, tell me why we should hire you.

Me: I’m good with numbers.


ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]

[ever so slightly later]

ME: [dying from massive blood loss]


Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?


if a bear is attacking you play dead and then play resurrection this will cause the bear to either worship u or deny ur existence


“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.


[at SunMaid farms with a guy]

Guy: so is this a date?
Girl:… No? These are raisins


[at craft beer festival]

Me: Miller Lite, please

*ukulele girl stops playing*

Bartender: *blinks repetitively*

Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*


INTERVIEWER: How would you define yourself?
ME: *don’t let her know you’re a delicious chocolate cake* Moist