Bad guys gotta have a meeting and decide once and for all Liam Neeson’s family is off limits.
“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
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My dog would like you to know that there are many many good sticks out there
Her: In three words or less, tell me why we should hire you.
Me: I’m good with numbers.
ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
if a bear is attacking you play dead and then play resurrection this will cause the bear to either worship u or deny ur existence
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
[at SunMaid farms with a guy]
Guy: so is this a date?
Girl:… No? These are raisins
[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*
INTERVIEWER: How would you define yourself?
ME: *don’t let her know you’re a delicious chocolate cake* Moist