@timdonakowski

“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave

You Might Also Like

@rodimusprime

Bad guys gotta have a meeting and decide once and for all Liam Neeson’s family is off limits.

@six_2_and_even

My dog would like you to know that there are many many good sticks out there

@TheMichaelRock

[at interview]

Her: In three words or less, tell me why we should hire you.

Me: I’m good with numbers.

@chuuew

ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]

[ever so slightly later]

ME: [dying from massive blood loss]

@Shade510

Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?

@eyeswidebutt

if a bear is attacking you play dead and then play resurrection this will cause the bear to either worship u or deny ur existence

@Cpin42

“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.

@SJSchauer

[at SunMaid farms with a guy]

Guy: so is this a date?
Girl:… No? These are raisins

@squirrel74wkgn

[at craft beer festival]

Me: Miller Lite, please

*ukulele girl stops playing*

Bartender: *blinks repetitively*

Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*

@dafloydsta

INTERVIEWER: How would you define yourself?
ME: *don’t let her know you’re a delicious chocolate cake* Moist