“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
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Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.
HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY:
a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”
(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?
When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”
Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!
MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal
[later]
ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks
Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
[Shop class]
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
[using ouija board]
Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed
H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D