@ImaFlyontheWall
True…so damn true
@Xoolun
These Jehovah’s Witnesses are getting creative.
They are now knocking on my door dressed as cops saying they have a warrant.
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@ImaFlyontheWall
@ShootyDoody
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
@WritePlay
PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
@13spencer
Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
@thatUPSdude
Turns out HR doesn’t care if it’s national underwear day, you have to wear pants to work.
@DamienFahey
If Leonardo da Vinci posted the Mona Lisa on Instagram today, it would get 30 likes, tops.
@unsoIveddjh
145.
@danadonly
my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.
@SardonicTart
10: Mom what’s a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?
@Nursey2Be
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.