@Xoolun

These Jehovah’s Witnesses are getting creative.

They are now knocking on my door dressed as cops saying they have a warrant.

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@ShootyDoody

Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.

@WritePlay

PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels

HER: Shouldn’t it be –

HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

@13spencer

Relationship advice:

Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.

@thatUPSdude

Turns out HR doesn’t care if it’s national underwear day, you have to wear pants to work.

@DamienFahey

If Leonardo da Vinci posted the Mona Lisa on Instagram today, it would get 30 likes, tops.

@danadonly

my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.

@SardonicTart

10: Mom what’s a metaphor?

Me: My life is a train wreck.

10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?

@Nursey2Be

Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.