These Jehovah’s Witnesses are getting creative.

They are now knocking on my door dressed as cops saying they have a warrant.

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*Fires off jokes*
*Kidnappers helpless in laughter*
“..and that’s how your granpappy saved baby Jesus.”

– Me, someday


Me: [getting mugged]



70 yr old boss: i have the body of a fit 30 yr old.
Me: where? Buried in your rose garden?


*Good Will Hunting*

Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?

me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?


If you want to drink and drive you better bring enough for the whole highway.


I added broccoli to my kid’s Mac n Cheese and now he’s sitting in a spinny chair, petting a hairless cat and plotting his revenge.


My favorite part of church is when they pass around free money.


Her: What veggies are the kids having with dinner?

Me: (Smacking the bottom of a ketchup bottle) Fresh Tomatoes…


when someone is like “you’re a digital artist right? could you make me a logo?” and you’re like “no I’m not a graphic designer” and they’re like “I’ll give you $400” and you’re like “okay fine I’m a graphic designer but just for tonight”


If he refuses to let you call him your cutie pie sweet potato biscuit buttering love muffin… he’s not that into you.