Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…
Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date
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(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
Check out the legs on this baby
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.
Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.
Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”