These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.

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Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months

Reporter: so what happened?

Scientist: it’s dead.


I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?


I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”


me: whats wrong with this harmonica

cop: thats a breathalyzer


Daughter: what’s nostalgia?

Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.


Me: I’m home from work!

Wife: aw we missed you!

Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.


When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”


One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.


My daughter wants a pony and my wife wants a new dishwasher, so I’m compromising and buying them a goat.


[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]