@EndhooS
Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.
@heatherlou_
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
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@EndhooS
@ficklenuts
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
@i_zzzzzz
I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”
@humanaaron
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
@NewDadNotes
Daughter: what’s nostalgia?
Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.
[later]
Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: aw we missed you!
Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.
@randomlawless
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
@simoncholland
One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
@mrtruthandsoul
My daughter wants a pony and my wife wants a new dishwasher, so I’m compromising and buying them a goat.
@YuckyTom
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
@RachaelHoops
*8 months later*
