@heatherlou_

These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.

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@EndhooS

Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months

Reporter: so what happened?

Scientist: it’s dead.

@ficklenuts

I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?

@i_zzzzzz

I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”

@humanaaron

me: whats wrong with this harmonica

cop: thats a breathalyzer

@NewDadNotes

Daughter: what’s nostalgia?

Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.

[later]

Me: I’m home from work!

Wife: aw we missed you!

Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.

@randomlawless

When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”

@simoncholland

One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.

@mrtruthandsoul

My daughter wants a pony and my wife wants a new dishwasher, so I’m compromising and buying them a goat.

@YuckyTom

[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]