These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
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The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
BREAKING
Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
checking out some reviews of my local library
Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.
No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us
I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
[Infomercial for Parachutes]
“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*
I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground