I’m going to name my first kid Authorized Personnel so they can go wherever they want in life.
These people are putting up ‘Lost Parrot’ signs for the sake of their kids, but you’d think they’d place them higher for other birds to see.
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Slow down in those corduroy pants. You’ll ignite a bush fire.
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
*pulls up pants*
Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up an opened lap top* this is my sound cloud, please check it out
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you
I call in sick on full moons just to make them wonder.