cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
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Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you
ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name
CS: sure, it’s janice
JANICE: thank you
: you’re welcome
My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.
If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
[post-apocalypse open mic]
Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??
Crowd: *rickets*
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
Crush: what are u doing
Me: laying in bed listening to music
Crush: nice what kind
Me: it’s memory foam
Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist
Me: Picasso
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.