*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
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My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that
Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
please sir. my hands. they’re very soapy.
automatic faucet after rinsing my hands for 3.5 seconds: that’s enough for you. NEXT
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here
Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:
1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween
My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”
me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!
him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….