These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
You Might Also Like
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri
I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.
Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee