These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
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You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*
Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.
No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel
In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year
PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.
Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..
[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!
[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!