GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
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My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.
Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.
The Walking Dead reminds you that other people would still be your biggest problem even if most of them died.
I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.
My 4 year old loves wrestling with the family. He’s Hulk Hogan, I’m The Rock and our 1 year old is the folding chair.
When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.