@AndLookPretty

These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.

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@junejuly12

*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*

*buys all the lottery tickets*

@yazminda12

*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.

@Reverend_Scott

“How can I help u, Bowser?”

I need a loan

“For ANOTHER castle?”

A flying castle

“U have like 24 already”

IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER

@mrtiredeyes

me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?

kid: not like this

@withanewname

Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put

-spider hokey pokey

@Marcmywords2

” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.

Said no one ever.

@sir_shithead_I

Boss: You have to stay late.
Me: Oh? Do you believe in magic?
M: *throws smoke bomb, gets lost, falls out window, smoke clears
B: HE’S GOOD!

@mugkip

“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease

@Hadzilla

HEY OSAMA I FOUND YOUR 72 VIRGINS THEY ARE ALL ON MY TIMELINE TALKING ABOUT STAR WARS