@AndLookPretty

These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.

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@PaperWash

GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*

@TheBeerGuy73

My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.

Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.

@BlazedDonuts

The Walking Dead reminds you that other people would still be your biggest problem even if most of them died.

@LittleMissLizz

I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.

@Brianhopecomedy

My 4 year old loves wrestling with the family. He’s Hulk Hogan, I’m The Rock and our 1 year old is the folding chair.

@jngraphs

When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies

Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy

@doktorj

Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.

@FredTaming

him: anything to declare

me: i don’t really like soup

everyone else in customs: [GASP]

@AndyAsAdjective

My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.