These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
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*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.
A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
Lately I have the attention span of wait what
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.
ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.
BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-
[wall breaks down]
SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY
BATMAN: No.
bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”
i won
I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
Me: what is my final challenge
*dragon appears*
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
professor x: whats your superpower?
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
Obi: Racist
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.