I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.
You Might Also Like
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
*presses wheelchair accessible button*
*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*
“We’re here for a haircut.”
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
My typo game is string.
I’m 37 and from the Midwest, every man I know is named Matthew, I’m going to need you to be more specific.
-Me when my mom say she saw Matthew today.
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.
Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
Ladies, why y’all do this?
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”
One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.
8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real
Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle