These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
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*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOAHold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying
Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.
News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie
THEM: ok
DA: Will Smith is one of the cops
THEM: k
DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc
THEM: no that’s crazy
EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini
#BRIGHTMovie
If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.