These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
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Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.
Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”There’s lots of fish in the sea
“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”
me hitting on a model
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.