Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.
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I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
Friend: Well, the more you know-
Me: The sadder you’ll feel
Friend:
Me: Is that not the phrase?
Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong
Me: *crying* Well the more you know
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT