These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
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I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
[Super Villain Team Tryouts]
COACH: Tell me what you can do
MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal
LOKI: I’m a god
THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!
cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.