HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
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texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her
god: you’re a pig
god: you’re filthy
god: you eat slop from a trough
god: you stink
pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?
god: here’s the thing
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
groundhog: sorry guys, 6 more weeks of winter
everyone (sunbathing in february): ok
“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it