@215potter

These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?

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@SvnSxty

Allen: I’ll never talk

Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that

@KevinFarzad

I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.

@rcromwell4

Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.

@mrjohndarby

[on honeymoon in Paris]

Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower

Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?

@PanicRestroom

“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean

@danfishbach

Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.

@Jesssicle

Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?

@DancesWithTamis

[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo