Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
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*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
[on honeymoon in Paris]
Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower
Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
*8 months later*
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo