They advertise unlimited soup, salad, and breadsticks. But I can personally attest that after 9 days Olive Garden asks you to leave.

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Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?


Why does Darkwing Duck wear a mask? You are a duck, no one could identify you without describing every other duck on earth.


If I had a nickel for every time someone called me OCD I’d have 27 dollars and 15 cents.


Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.

Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.

Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*

Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*


Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”


The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.


If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.


Super productive day, I took down all of my neighbor’s outdoor Christmas decorations.


I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper