Only Americans understand
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Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”
Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”
CEO: “Yes.”
Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.
Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me:
Him:
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture
Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?