They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
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I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?
Me: Well I had diarrhea that day
Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?
Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.
Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
once when i was a waitress, there was a horse hitched behind the bar.
i asked my boss why. she said “bc you cant get a dui on a horse”
i asked her y not. and she looked at me like i was the absolute stupidest person alive and told me “bc the horse knows wheres its goin”
[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol
H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*