i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
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Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
[at 25yr class reunion]
Me: You haven’t changed at all!
Her: Hahaha, thanks
Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane
“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*