They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
You Might Also Like
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
2005 Single
2006 Single
2007 Single
2008 Single
2009 Single
2010 Single
2011 Single
2012 Single
2013 Single
2014 Single
2015 Single
2016 Single
2017 Single
2018 SingleReward me for consistency please
vader: i am your father!
luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes
vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?
luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much
vader: i swear, i nev-
luke: you make me sick
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”
Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.
I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.
I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at
Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…
Yep, now he’s looking
Just me?
MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
Why do meteors always land in craters?
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.
*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.