Des Moines Police having a normal one
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Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
called in thicc to work this morning
I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?
My husband: Not really
Me: You’re not very perceptive
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”
The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.