There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
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If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.