My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister
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I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.
By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.
[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.
What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.
Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.
She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.
“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-
-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.