@_youhadonejob1

They are not wrong.

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@WilliamAder

There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.

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@SexyInsomniac

If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.

@OneFunnyMummy

I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.

@TheHyyyype

[lava kids playing in a volcano]

“the floor is linoleum!”

@jngraphs

My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.

@Tommytoughstuff

A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.

@Paxochka

Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.