They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
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I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.
8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.
[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
He’s cranky this morning
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.