When life gives you lemons just be thankful it wasn’t herpes .
They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
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Him: You seem nice.
Me: I do, don’t I?
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.
The hardest part of being an astronaut would probably be the constant smell of poop in my spacesuit any time something went slightly wrong.
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
Just called my own voicemail and left messages until the memory was full. People can’t leave messages now. That’s the kind of genius I am.