@TheCatWhisprer

They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.

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@RatBatallion

When life gives you lemons just be thankful it wasn’t herpes .

@Coolisiana

(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*

@Chumpstring

Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.

@SuperApple80

The hardest part of being an astronaut would probably be the constant smell of poop in my spacesuit any time something went slightly wrong.

@torrami

My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus

@EndhooS

“Morning guys”

“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”

– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses

@WilliamAder

We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.

@DistractedMomma

Just called my own voicemail and left messages until the memory was full. People can’t leave messages now. That’s the kind of genius I am.