They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.

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If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.


What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?


Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.


I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”


Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!


I’ve limited my friends to 3 people that know how to split a dinner bill w/o causing a fiasco and life has been awesome since.


I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.

I think I need a hard boiled egg.


The scariest thing about survival of the fittest is that it means the idiots currently surrounding you are the best evolution has to offer.


My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.

Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.


I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..