@UnFitz

They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.

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@XplodingUnicorn

6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?

Me: For cups.

6: But you can’t drink and drive.

@ProgPro

“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”

*Deletes tweet*

*2 minutes later*

“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”

@FredTaming

my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza

lab staff: what is ..peet-za?

my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating

@caliluvgirl77

[staff meeting]

“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”

@UnFitz

Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?

@jake_likes_naps

“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms

@NaaN_Conformist

Don’t hate on Americans for not learning a foreign language.

Hate on Americans for not learning English.

@TheBoydP

I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.