They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
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Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.
Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”
this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
Villian: one false move and you’re history
Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
Top 3 things that cause my 10yo the most fear and trepidation:
3. Oversized sharks
2. Rooms with large spiders in them
1. Being served a burger with mayonnaise on it
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
Facebook marketplace is a different world
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful