6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
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“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza
lab staff: what is ..peet-za?
my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Me: Did I say that out loud?
“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms
Don’t hate on Americans for not learning a foreign language.
Hate on Americans for not learning English.
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.