They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?

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GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me

ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place


There is nothing stopping a condom company from saying they are the only condoms worn by Santa Claus


Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.


[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!


I’m afraid I’m gonna need more alcohol to be in this relationship with me


Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby


CDC: i know u been shut in all week-

ME: im good

CDC: if you have to
go out-

ME: i wont

CDC: ok but if you really need-

ME: *puts headphones back in*


If I could choose any one mythological creature to become alive & real, I’d have to pick:

My girlfriend.