@PaulyPeligroso

They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?

You Might Also Like

@WhatsAGreenhorn

Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?

@sssh_squirrel

I’m going to just start biting the faces of people that stand too close during a conversation.

@LoveNLunchmeat

Be vague. Be very vague. Be so vague that eventually you’re not even sure what you just said.

@TheAlexNevil

Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”

@lmegordon

My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.

@Mish3l_Ali

My girlfriend said she wanted me to be more like her Ex. So I dumped her.

@geowizzacist

Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?

Wife: do you even know his name anymore?

Me: yes wife of course I know his name.

@rickkondell

Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.

@thetigersez

Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.