@PaulyPeligroso

They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?

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@ShortSleeveSuit

GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me

ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place

@HelloCullen

There is nothing stopping a condom company from saying they are the only condoms worn by Santa Claus

@JVarsityCaptain

Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.

@chuuew

[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!

@TheWidowmakerX

I’m afraid I’m gonna need more alcohol to be in this relationship with me

@mdob11

Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby

@aotakeo

CDC: i know u been shut in all week-

ME: im good

CDC: if you have to
go out-

ME: i wont

CDC: ok but if you really need-

ME: *puts headphones back in*

@Shock_Monster

If I could choose any one mythological creature to become alive & real, I’d have to pick:

My girlfriend.