They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?

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Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?


I’m going to just start biting the faces of people that stand too close during a conversation.


Be vague. Be very vague. Be so vague that eventually you’re not even sure what you just said.


Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”


My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.


My girlfriend said she wanted me to be more like her Ex. So I dumped her.


Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?

Wife: do you even know his name anymore?

Me: yes wife of course I know his name.


Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.


Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.