They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
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As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that
Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?
Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.
FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious
Me: *calls* How are my kids?
Grandma: We’re having so much fun
Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-
Grandma: Come get your kids.
amazon: your package is in your mailbox 🙂
me: it is not
amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 🙂
me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox
amazon: maybe you’re looking in the wrong one?
me: that isn’t possible
amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
– playing “Is it cake? –
Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”
God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete
“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
Ooh I do like a good funnel
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back