@pixelatedboat

“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for

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@Try2StopME

Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.

@NewDadNotes

God: you’re a roly poly bug.

Roly Poly: what does that mean?

God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.

Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?

God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].

Roly Poly:

God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.

@TheCatWhisprer

I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.

@JediGigi

Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.

@tastefactory

“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon

@birbigs

Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”

@RobbyActually

Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*

Therapist: You’re late again

Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH

@BrassBallsCJ

I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.

@CroweJam

Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.