@pixelatedboat

“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for

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@AmishPornStar1

Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?

Just me?

@ningella

People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.

@kumailn

Doctor Who. He can travel to any planet during any period but mostly ends up in places that look like present day England.

@Peteypops13

My doctor said NO drinking for 2 weeks,then we both laughed.

@serendipitydon1

I just found the Covid-19 Yelp page and left such a scathing review that it may kill the virus.

@kenwhacksit

I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!

@dlockw21

IT: You deleted the OS?

Me: I think so.

IT: It didn’t warn you?

Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?

@McNevich

Total shocker that you actually have to pay for things when you get to the register. Go ahead and dump your purse on the counter. We’ll wait

@Goldishocks

Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.