Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for
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God: you’re a roly poly bug.
Roly Poly: what does that mean?
God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.
Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?
God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].
God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.
“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.