Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.
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If You cannot produce a baby in 1 month by impregnating 9 Women, You’re not a man yet!
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
me: yes but where
COP: are you armed
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
ME: i thought i saw a new color today
WIFE: wait- is this..are you..
M: but it-
W: oh no
M: was just-
M: a pigment of my imagination
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligees.
[Unfortunately,she was just coming home]
The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.
911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND