@Bob_Janke

They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.

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@pilau

Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me

Murderer: lol

@Johnniemmanuel

If You cannot produce a baby in 1 month by impregnating 9 Women, You’re not a man yet!

@mrjohndarby

[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where

@ShortSleeveSuit

COP: are you armed

ME: yes

COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count

ME [sadly]: then no

@dimplesticks

Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic

Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…

@hippieswordfish

ME: i thought i saw a new color today
WIFE: wait- is this..are you..
M: but it-
W: oh no
M: was just-
W: dont
M: a pigment of my imagination

@McSwtrvst

*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS

@Chay_Raghu

My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligees.

[Unfortunately,she was just coming home]

@AndreyasAsylum

The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.

@Super_Cynthia

911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND