They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.
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Kids nowadays don’t know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were “Informah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwn” and we just had to accept it.
ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”
DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
incredible text to wake up to
OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE
Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?
Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.
I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.
Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.