@meganamram

They call me the Titanic because I once went down on a bunch of Irish peasants

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@SvnSxty

*first day as a cop*

What if they arrest me back

@ellewasamistake

announcing “i’m pregnant”

– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?

screaming “there’s something inside of me”

– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?

@bibliophileq

I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”

@mrjohndarby

Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?

Him: Just flush him down the toilet

Me: Gotcha. And the fish?

@runolgarun

“Sorry, I fail to see how I ‘misled’ you when my profile CLEARLY says I’m ‘a total cat person’?” – half-cat/half-person being after bad date

@EvilSchwartzie

The police get mad at you if you try to marry a squirrel. Even if you’re pretty sure it’s a girl squirrel.

@usermcuserface

If i was going to rob someone I’d wear a fanny pack, jorts, and crocs. Nobody would believe them.

@tiemoose

am i a vampire? i :

– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake

@chuuew

[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo