My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
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Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
[filling out the date on important documents]
Brain: when I say June you write June!
Me: yeah!
Brain: JUNE!
Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!
Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
rise and shine we got egg
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.
So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.
On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property