@SkippyMcGizzard

They call the game Fortnite because it takes 14 days to tear your kids away from it.

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@pstamato

“What if something fell off your glass every time you picked it up? That’d be great.”
– The inventor of coasters

@Curt__Burt

Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him

@ultrakristian

Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.

@copymama

I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.

@stevevsninjas

Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.

@trevso_electric

And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.

@rolldiggity

1. Cover elevator floor with glue.
2. Put ring on floor.
3. Wait for someone to kneel and get stuck.
4. “Yes, yes, a thousand times yes!”

@Piecezilla

Apologies your honor [slides ventriloquist dummy back under my seat] I was told these proceedings were going to be televised.