“What if something fell off your glass every time you picked it up? That’d be great.”
– The inventor of coasters
They call the game Fortnite because it takes 14 days to tear your kids away from it.
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Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.
But no warning about leopards…?
Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
1. Cover elevator floor with glue.
2. Put ring on floor.
3. Wait for someone to kneel and get stuck.
4. “Yes, yes, a thousand times yes!”
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
Apologies your honor [slides ventriloquist dummy back under my seat] I was told these proceedings were going to be televised.