merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king
arthur: oh, this sword?
merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?
arthur: table
merlin: what?
arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle
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I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
This guy’s not having it 😆
Wife: Where’s your dad?
Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.
Wife: He’s what?
Son: Himalayan out.
GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean
SHARK: nice
GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land
HORSE: cool
GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean
BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?
GOD: um
BLUE WHALE: um what?
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.
Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.
Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.
Your proctologist called. He found your head.
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?
me: i don’t know
my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret
The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
it’s a van. how do they not know this
is frankincense just very honest incense?
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
My 7-year-old wrote this joke:
What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.I’ve never been more proud.
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.