@MsTexas1967

They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed

They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed

- @MsTexas1967

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@Big_Cat74

[things I worry about on vacation]

1) Getting eaten by a shark

2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny

@MartaEffing

We both want it.
My lips part.
His do, too.
The tension pulsates.

“I’ll take the one w/ sprinkles!”

And that’s how I got the last one.

@duplicitron

I choose what country to visit each year by the shape of the first chicken nugget I eat.

@marcmack

My son called me ‘Marc’

I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”

He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”

@Tommytoughstuff

[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”

@MattMcElaney

Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.

@Keally22

A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??

@goodbeanjokes

Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans